Control

Everything that happens in life boils down to 2 situations:

• What you control

• What you cannot control

These are very simple to discern, this formula will help you separate every situation in your life into these two categories.

3 questions to ask (to determine if you control a situation)1. Can you change the events?       - These are actions you can take to influence the results or not (could I have written a newsletter despite my kids being sick? I could have)2. Did you use your time wisely?      - This is the amount of effort you made towards creating your desirable outcome or not (did I spend time scrolling social media? I sure did, probably 10 hours this week)3. Are you responsible for the outcome?    - If you accepted the responsibility and didn't take the necessary steps, this is when you know where the blame lies (is my newsletter going to make it out in time? No. What is the root cause? I didn't budget my time wisely)The last step answers the question of whether or not you were in control, ultimately there will be 99 problems that pop up between you and your goal, but making time for it before it's time to deal with it is up to you.

Controlling your emotions

Something we are told, but not how to, is that we are responsible for our emotions.

What you don't get is a manual on how to deal with them, avoid the negative ones, and control them.

What process do you go through to control your emotions?

Humans are like any other mammal, we have an alert system that handles a situation for us when we're in danger.

You've been in fight or flight before, but did you know you were?

The best way to control your instincts is to know when they happen and what you are responsible for.

True story:

My neighbor was enraged when I had an RV camper brought to my house. The driver parked it 2 feet on his property line. (This was a soggy evening in April)I apologized for the inconvenience and said I would move it as soon as the ground was hard enough.He was belligerent and called the cops (I did too because I am pretty good at reading how people will react) I calmly explained to them what happened, and what my plan was.My neighbor nearly got himself in trouble with the cops because of how he expressed his emotions from the situation. I remained respectful in the face of an aggressive man making a scene (becoming the largest object in the area to be seen).

The moral of the story:When you are in a situation you can't control, remain calm, because getting upset will not fix the situation, it will only make things worse for you.

Ok, but how do you control your emotions?

Emotional control (in 3 steps)

This, like any skill, is something you have to practice to get better. Doing it in the heat of the moment is not how you get to mastery, patience with your abilities is.

This is a mindfulness exercise, it will require only 10 minutes of alone time.

Step 1. Identify what you don't control that makes you feel badex. your kid is bothersome at times / your phone rings / your coffee wasn't made rightThese are situations that you didn't have direct say over, but it's upsetting because you don't want to deal with someone else's problem, you want to deal with your own problems.

Step 2. Ask yourself: What can I accept from this situation?The one thing you can always accept, is that humans make choices everyday that you have no influence over. If you accept that people act how they do because life made them that way, you are halfway to being above your emotions (you no longer need to control the external situation)

Step 3. Control what you can in the moment

This is:

• Asking for time to think

• Taking a deep breath (Or a few!)

• Pausing to react

You gain massive leverage when you have a say in what's happening. Can someone make you feel upset if you agreed (in your mind) to control yourself?

While you're meditating with this exercise, you will have 100% control of the situation.The idea is to train your brain through the thought process when you have the uncontrollable action happen to you again.

If this exercise is helpful for you, DM me on twitter to let me know.

As always, thank you for reading the newly named Mind Mender, any feedback on this newsletter is appreciated.